Babysitter
by Laetitia Prism
Summary: Despite Wufei's protests that it's not in the job description, he is conscripted into babysitting Mariemeia. But the game is afoot to kidnap the would-be Dictator... Can the valiant Sir Wuffiekins stop this not-so-foul plot? R/R please!


Babysitter

Disclaimer: _I don't own Gundam Wing. Surely you all know this by now? I suppose it's a good thing that I don't, because if I did (Nataku forbid!) you'd all be seeing things like the following story on TV.... O.o;_

A/N: This was not my idea! Blame it all on David, I'm just the scribe here. He kept on bothering me to write it, and I didn't want to, but in the end I did, in exchange for the strategy on how to not get slaughtered by Trowa in _Endless Dual_ (sic).  
**Wufei:** That's because you use Deathscythe!  
**Me:** Yes. U_U; I am not worthy of Nataku. Since the last time I short-circuited it and... erm. Yes. Don't let's get into that. Read the story instead!

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Babysitter  
by [Laetitia Prism][1]

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    'WUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE-CHAAAAAAAAAN!'

    Sometimes Wufei regretted bitterly his decision to join Mariemeia's army. He did so now. Very much. He hadn't _wanted_ to fight against the other Gundam pilots, but then again he couldn't let Heero's girlfriend (icky icky icky! Didn't he know that girls had cooties?) do the same thing that Oz did, and treat soldiers as only weapons and not human beings. No he couldn't. It was not right, and for Truth and Justice he would do anything -- wear stockings, for example, or even go against four other Gundams better armoured than his own, and Sally, who was quite the most terrifying woman he knew. There was something about her that made him go weak at the knees....

    But to suffer this indignity... Truth. Anything for Truth and Justice. Wufei sighed, put one hand protectively around his rat-tail, and ran grimly on, pursued by his superior and charge for the day, Mariemeia Khushrenada, who was intent on cutting his hair.

    'Come on, Wuffie-chan!' she called, stopping. Wufei came to a wary rest on the other side of the yard, and tried to exert his authority.

    'Don't call me that!'

    'Gomen, Fei-kun! But you'd look so pretty without the hair-thing, and nobody would call you Rat-boy anymore.'

    'ARGH! Injustice!' If Dekim was hoping to use Mariemeia, good luck to him. No wait, bad luck to him! Very very very bad luck! He was the one who had Wufei babysit Mariemeia, while he went off looking for girls, the hentai old man! Wufei clapped one hand to his nose and fished for kleenex in his pocket with the other.

    'You have a nosebleed!' Mariemeia squeaked soliticiously, scampering across the yard, and proffered her handkerchief. He eyed the pink frilly piece of fabric that screamed 'Weakling Onna', and decided that in these dire circumstances he could accept it without losing too much face.

    'Thank you,' Wufei muttered, and put it to his nose. Then he blinked and promptly passed out.

    One green eye in the hedgerows narrowed in a rare smile. ///.^ It was not the intended result, but it would do as well. Not to mention that he had a great photo of Wufei holding a lace hanky. Duo was going to like that one.

    Mariemeia tickled the prostrate form. 'Wufei?' No response. 'Wuffie?' He didn't move. Well, maybe he had too many nosebleeds, and was anaemic, or something. She tugged on his rat-tail pensively. She would call the medics, because really he was the nicest person to her and she was very fond of him and didn't want him to suffer brain-damage or anything, but before that....

    The eye in the hedgerows widened as there came the soft ringing sound of a sword being drawn. ///.O The plan wasn't working after all. Damn it, the chloroformed handkerchief works perfectly well on Relena! But then again Wufei was very different from Relena. Time for Plan B. Silent footsteps pattered in the direction of the kitchen.

    Mariemeia rolled her unconscious babysitter off his back, seized the long curved blade in one hand and the infamous eye-sore of a rat-tail in the other, and set to work.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Ten minutes later, the seven-year-old would-be World Dictator stood back to admire her handiwork. Yes, she was right all along! Her darling Wuffie-chan looked very nice with short hair. She flung the lank of hair in her hand into the hedgerows, where it poked the eye -- uh, in the eye. ///.X But she had got hair down Wufei's collar, and he would be all itchy when he woke up. Not to mention that he was very ticklish. Poor Wuffie-dearest! What would she do? Mariemeia burst into tears.

    Wufei snorted in his chloroform-induced sleep.

    This spurred her to action. Only a weak onna would sit and cry and not do anything else. She, Mariemeia Khushrenada, rightful heir of the World Nation, was no such dishonourable thing. She streaked toward the side of the house, where the garden hose lay curled up in a bundle, and dragged it toward Wufei. Then she ran back and turned on the tap.

    Wufei woke up with a very loud yell. His shirt was wet and -- fuzzy? On the inside? His sword was lying beside him. His scalp no longer hurt, and the migraine was gone. His heart sank to a level with his stockings. It could only mean one thing. One horrrible, disastrous, irreparable-for-at-least-six-months thing.

    Mariemeia had cut his hair.

    'O my sweet Nataku! MARIEMEIA!!! Come here right NOW! At this moment! Double quick MARCH!'

    She appeared around the side of the house, mirror in hand. 'Look, Fei-kun! I did a good job!' Wufei glared. Mariemeia made an _eeeeeeeep_ noise. 'You look... pretty?' Wufei still glared, but the effect was slightly diminished by his performing contortions trying to scratch himself that surprised even the eye in the hedgerows, who was considering whether to offer Wufei a job in the circus. ///.¬ Mariemeia burst into tears.

    'I t-t-tried,' she hiccoughed. 'I r-really d-did. I'm s-sor-ry that you d-don't like it... I th-think you l-look really nice... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'

    The eye in the hedgerows sweatdropped. ///.@; He hoped that Wufei remembered what he had said to him on Peacemillion. 

_

> > > You might at least... praise me a little

_

> > > It's so easy to hurt a woman's feelings

    Wufei took up the mirror that had fallen onto the grass and scowled at his reflection. His -- rather good-looking reflection? Resisting the urge to drop the mirror and scream in terror, he said, gruffly, 'I don't mind the haircut, Mariemeia.'

    'You don't?' She stopped crying at once. 'You like it? Oh! I'm soooooooooooooo happy!' Then she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him. 

    'ARGH!' Wufei choked out. 'Stop' -- *_gasp_* -- 'that! Get off me! I can't' -- *_wheeze_* -- 'breathe!'

    The eye in the hedgerows snickered. ///.~ And took another picture. One that Sally was never going to see if he wanted to live past sixteen.

    'But I am very disappointed that you used such underhanded ways,' Wufei was saying. 'It is not honourable. What would your father have said?'

    Mariemeia teared up again. 'I didn't do anything!' she said, sniffing. 'You just fell asleep, and -- and --'

    Wufei blinked. Then he yelled and snatched up his sword. Then he dropped his sword, because his back was itching like anything.

    Mariemeia giggled indecorously.

    'What are you laughing at, onna! Now I need a bath, and I can't have a bath, because somebody put chloroform on your handkerchief, and what am I to do? Leaving you alone is out of the question. So now I have to sit here and scratch like a monkey?'

    'You could go swimming,' she suggested.

    'You don't expect me to have a change of clothing, do you, woman?'

    Five minutes passed, and Wufei was still indignantly refusing to swim, so Mariemeia pushed him into the pool, aided by mysteriously wet tiles. Wufei fell in with a splash, but resurfaced a moment later to yell 'INJUSTICE!'. 

    The eye in the hedgerows filled with tears of frustration. ///.§ Wufei had to be the luckiest person alive, even among the Gundam pilots. Why fall into the pool when there was a perfectly good patch of chloroformed grass in front of him?

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    Nothing on earth could persuade Wufei to walk around shirt-less while his shorts dried, so twenty minutes later, he was leaping about the yard, pretending to be Zorro with the help of a towel tied around his shoulders, much to the delight of Mariemeia. 

    And the eye in the hedgerows, who was rapidly running short of film. ///.¤

    Finally the much-abused and very weary Wufei was allowed to sit down and rest. Rest, of course, came in the form of reading to Mariemeia. There was a selection of Sailor Moon manga, Curious George stories, and Tintin, and a book called _The Vicar of Nibbleswick_. Mariemeia insisted on Sailor Moon, much to the disgust of Wufei, who flung every weakling book across the yard into the hedgerows at least once. 

    The eye in the hedgerows was becoming very nervous. ///.;;

    Halfway through the last manga, Wufei's voice gave out while squeaking 'I am pretty soldier Sailor Moon!' in high falsetto. So he went into the kitchen to get something to drink. The eye in the hedgerows thought that this was the perfect time to kidnap Mariemeia and thereby eliminating the threat of X189999 declaring war on Earth, but before he could excavate himself out from under all the manga, Wufei reappeared in the yard with a jug of milk. 

    'Milk!' Mariemeia exclaimed and snatched at the jug.

    'Hey! I'm thirsty!'

    The result of the tug of war that ensued was the milk being spilled and neither of them imbibing a drop of it.

    The eye in the hedgerows thought, 'Curses! Foiled again!' ///.©Curses! Foiled again!

    So Wufei once again ventured into the house and stormed the battlements -- er, I mean, opened the fridge. There was only pink cream soda left, and pink cream soda was for weaklings. Especially the flat kind. Also a small bottle of pale yellow liquid that said 'Lemon' on it. So he took them and hurried back to his charge. 

    Mariemeia drank the cream soda. It tasted kind of weird, and her head felt very light indeed. In fact, it was floating off! Oh no! She wouldn't be able to wear her nice hat with the feather if her head floated away. She had to get help. 

    The eye in the hedgerows took another picture of Wufei holding the bottle of lemon _sake_. ///.°

    'Wufei!' Mariemeia called, in an oddly distant voice, and it came out sounding utterly unintelligible. She had to try again. 'Wufei.....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_     'He killed my father?!' she yelled. It wasn't true! It couldn't be! 

    'I did,' said Wufei. Her very own darling Wuffie....

    But duty was duty. 'Give me a gun,' she said grimly. Someone with a very long unibang handed one to her.

    She held it at Wufei, rather unsteadily. Her father, whom she had never met, but followed in whose footsteps anyway. Was vengeance worth it?

    As she hesitated, he kicked it out of her hand with a lightning fast movement, and all eyes watched it sail into the air....

    And fall down again....

    Falling....

    Still falling....

    And hit the unibanged soldier on the head, which set off the triggering mechanism, and she screamed as something came streaking toward her....

_

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    Mariemeia was very wet. It was only a water gun, after all. She opened her eyes.

    The sopped state of her person was readily explained. Wufei was holding his sword in one hand and waving the garden hose about with the other. Someone was performing a series of complicated arobatics over his head.

    'Wai! A clown!' she clapped her hands happily.

    This distracted the eye no longer in the bush, who slipped on the wet tiles and fell face-first into the highly fragrant grass, and promptly went to sleep.

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    One green eye opened groggily, and saw an upside-down Wufei.

    'You spiked the lemonade,' he said, scowling. 

    'Well it said lemon _sake_ on the bottle. You just didn't -- ' Another face popped into his field of vision.

    'You're awake!' Mariemeia exclaimed excitedly. Wufei grinned, and the eye squeezed shut in expectation of the worst.

    'Clown around and amuse her, Barton. You're good at that.'

    ///.XNo! Anything but this! Wufei for God's sake take pity on me! I'm good with lions, not CHILDREN!!! Kill me now! ONEGAI!!!!

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    Between the two of them they had finally got her to sleep. He took his defeat philosophically. There would always be another chance. Not to mention a great photo opportunity -- Wufei was sitting under a tree, looking very paternal with the little girl asleep on the grass beside him, and he was reading Curious George. 

    Chang Wufei, reading Curious George. And laughing. 

    A decidedly great photo opportunity. 

    Eye to camera, he advanced silently to get just the right angle. Sally would probably frame the photo, or paper her walls with many prints.

    Who knew that the best angle was from the middle of the swimming pool?

    *_splash_*

    \\\.U Foils! Cursed again!

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Review Onegai? 

   [1]: mailto:marsyas77@yahoo.com



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